We all have holes in us–places that are broken or wounded, places of suffering and pain. These holes come from all difficult things that have happened in our lives.
On some level, we all know these holes exist, but most of us do not want to acknowledge them, because acknowledging them is painful. It’s hard and messy and ugly.
So instead of acknowledging the holes, we hide them.
We cover them up.
We ignore them.
We numb ourselves and hope they will go away.
Some of us numb our holes with unhealthy things like drugs, drinking too much, overeating or binge TV watching. Others numb them in ways that seem healthy on the surface–like excessive exercising–but this is just another form of covering them up. My method of choice was busyness. Just keep doing stuff and the holes will go away.
When I’m faced with a situation and not sure what to do or believe, a friend told me to get still and listen to my gut–that it knows.
But I have a problem with getting still.
When I am still, the silence can be agony for me. When I wait for an answer to an important question, a text reply from someone, or a response from an on-line blog on a piece I submitted, and sit in silence, it can be agonizing. When I am still, my mind makes up all kinds of stories to fill the silent space.
Maybe I’m not worth a response.
Maybe I’m too needy.
Maybe I’m too pesky and ask too many questions.
Maybe my writing is not good enough.
In her book Rising Strong, Brene Brown talks about the stories we tell ourselves, that they are often works of fiction, not based on any real information.
“When we are in pain we create a narrative to help make sense of it,” she states.
The stories that bubble up are neither healthy nor helpful. They may also be inaccurate. Still they persist.