Back in September, I wrote a post about times when I get tugged back into an old familiar pain. It could be triggered by a photo I see on social media or by meeting someone who reminds me of someone who’s caused me hurt. Something about the photo or the person tugs me back into an old familiar pain. I feel a sting and a wave of grief washes over me.
A painful event happened this weekend that in the past would have caused a wave of sorrow. But this time, what I felt was anger. What I saw caused me to raise both middle fingers in the air, which were accompanied by several slightly audible f-bombs.
I should note, I didn’t express this to the person directly. I ducked into the bathroom first.
Is this progress? Or does this mean I’ve taken a step backwards?
When I read about the 5 stages of grief–denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance–I seem to be going through them out of order.
What does this mean? I don’t know.
What I know for sure is that this time the event didn’t feel like a stab to the heart. It felt like a slap across the face. It was a different type of pain and I had a different type of reaction.
In my previous post, I thought I’d be ready to take on the feeling that arose when something like this happened. But I wasn’t. I was taken by surprise by my strong reaction.
As I ponder this, many questions arise. Will I ever stop reacting to these types of events? Will I ever see something like this and feel nothing? Shrug my shoulders and say “whatever”? Not a passive-aggressive whatever–a whatever with hidden pain behind it–but a true whatever where none of it matters to me anymore?
Is that what acceptance will feel like? And if so, will that day ever arrive?
I honestly don’t know. I wish I had answers–some words of wisdom–but at the present moment, I got nothin’.
So I’m asking for help on this one. Any insights or ideas you’d be willing to share would be greatly appreciated.
a curious firefly, © 2021